First things, first

 One of the very first things my late husband and I did after marrying was create a will, Power of Attorney, and Health Care Directive for one another. We were planning to have children and my concrete-sequential brain needed to have our affairs in order prior to having children. Along with drafting these documents, we both took out life insurance policies on ourselves. I will go into each of these pieces in detail below. Even if you are 25 years old and in perfect health, if you are an adult, you really need to do your loved ones a favor and establish at the very least a Power of Attorney and Health Care Directive. 

My reasons for pressing my late husband and myself to do this step early in our marriage: if we were blessed with children, and, God forbid, anything happened to the two of us, I wanted to make sure our children had a stable place to land with money to care for them. I considered it my first loving and caring act as a parent: to ensure their security and safety if I were no longer there to care for them, myself. The life insurance policy I took out on myself was for them; it would enable my husband to have the money necessary to pay off accumulated debts, to hire necessary help, and to take whatever steps he felt necessary to care for our mutual children should I pass first. If both of us passed, our children would have established guardians and those guardians would have specific instructions for how to use our life insurance to settle our estate, affairs, and to care for our children. 

A word on life insurance: talk to an insurance agent or financial planner you trust. I have three life insurance policies on myself, currently. At the advice of the insurance agent we worked with initially, I have a term life insurance policy with guaranteed renewability. I had to have a physical, but I was only 32 years old at the time and had just run a marathon, so I was in perfect health. The guaranteed renewability is for 10 years from now when the policy renews: I won't have to redo a physical in order to renew my policy. It is guaranteed to be renewed. I took out the maximum amount offered to me because we could afford the monthly premium and its guaranteed to be renewed. This policy is the bulk of the life insurance I have on myself. I also have an additional child rider policy attached to my life insurance. This rider provides $10,000 for any child I bear who may pass away. I pray I never have to use the rider, but it gives me peace knowing I have resources available should my worst nightmare happen, and I have to bury a child. The other two insurance policies are one I received from my parents and a small one I took out myself when I started working. The premiums I pay on those two policies equal less than $100 a year. Bottom line: life insurance isn't for you. Life insurance is for the ones you leave behind. If you can swing even $50 a month in a life insurance premium, it is worth it. Any little bit helps, trust me. I could list about 10 things I pay for each month that I would happily do away with in order to have $50 extra a month to put towards life insurance. If you have life insurance, check the beneficiaries. If you have married/partnered or had children, THEY should be the beneficiaries of your policies. It is the ONLY way to guarantee the money will actually go to your dependents.

A word on wills, Powers of Attorney, and Health Care Directives: it is always best to consult a legal professional when making legal documents. I am not a legal professional. My late husband and I had, and I currently have a will, a Power of Attorney, and a Health Care Directive each. They were very simple. 

In my will, I established my beneficiaries, executors, guardians for my children, and the disposition of my assets and estate. Prior to creating my will, I spoke personally with each of these people (they happen to be the same two people) and asked them if they would be willing to fulfill this role. Essentially, my will stated that if I died, my spouse was my legal heir, representative, and guardian of my children. If my spouse was no longer willing or able to fulfill those duties, I had a secondary set. My late husband and I drafted our wills with an attorney, and he added in language of how our debts and estate should be settled and where those monies should come from, as well as how to pass along the remainder of any monetary assets to our children once they come of age. 

The Power of Attorney is a document that gave my late husband (as well as a secondary) the right and power to make decisions on my behalf should I become incapacitated. The Power of Attorney also gave the power to make financial decisions and payments on my behalf. 

The Health Care Directive turned out to be the most invaluable document in the bunch. In my Health Care Directive, I established what should happen to me should I be incapable of making my own health care decisions. My Health Care Directive lists my donor preferences (I am an organ, tissue, and bone donor). It lists what should happen to my remains should I pass away (I wish to be cremated and buried in a cemetery). My Health Care Directive gives clear instructions for what to do in the event of my loss of capacity and/or viability. It spells out instructions for care should I be incapacitated, but expected to live without machines. Different instructions are listed should I be incapacitated and unable to live without machine-assistance or long-term care. My Health Care Directive gives my wishes should I have brain damage with loss of capacity and am unable to survive outside of a long-term care facility with little-to-no recognition or interaction with my family. 

My first husband, Andrew, suffered cardiac arrest. His brain was deprived of oxygen for at least 25 minutes while the hospital staff attempted to revive him via CPR. His heart was able to be restarted, however, MRI scans, neurology tests, and brain scans revealed significant irreversible brain damage. His entire outer cerebral cortex was white, which indicated cell death. His cerebellum was in tact, so he could breathe and his heart would continue to beat involuntarily, however, he had no working memory and was not conscious. In simple terms, his heart and lungs would continue to work, but he would be bed-ridden, unconscious, and unresponsive until his heart and lungs gave out. If he did manage to regain consciousness, he would have no working memory or cognition, and would never recognize or interact with us. He would be a breathing, blinking blank slate. Andrew had a Health Care Directive, and in that Health Care Directive, he was abundantly clear: should he not have ability to live with cognition outside of a long-care treatment facility, he did not wish to be kept alive. 

The doctors in the ICU informed me of Andrew's Health Care Directive, and, in that moment, I had clarity and peace. He was on a ventilator due to aspiration during his cardiac event. He had aspiration pneumonia and was unconscious. He did not respond to voices, music, or stimuli. His Health Care Directive clearly stated he did not want to be on the machines. It told me exactly what to do with his body in terms of organ donation and burial. I had to make exactly ZERO decisions at the worst moment in my life, and I knew clearly his wishes. On November 15, 2019, we disconnected the ventilator. Andrew passed naturally approximately 30 minutes later. His kidneys were harvested and transplanted later that night. Our preplanning nearly 5 years earlier allowed me to walk out of that operating room knowing I had fulfilled his wishes to the letter. 

No one creates these documents with the intention of using them. I certainly never expected to use them. However, I am immensely grateful I had them. There are templates for basic wills, Powers of Attorney, and Health Care Directives online. Google them. Fill them out. Have the tough and icky conversations. Be specific and clear. Get them notarized (the UPS store has notaries who can notarize for $5 a document). Scan them and put them in your health care file. Make sure the important decision-makers in your life have a copy or at least know where you keep them. The absolute worst time to make decisions this critical is in the moment. No one is thinking clearly or rationally in the moment. Do everyone in your life a favor and make your wishes clear and known in advance. 

I cannot stress enough: This first step is NOT for you; it is for the ones you leave behind. The kindest, best, most loving thing you can do is have your wishes made known. Not having to make critical life-or-death decisions in the moment is the best gift you can give your loved ones in their darkest moments.